When Growth Feels Like Grief

Chasing Dreams Means Facing Fears

Why do I feel so sick to my stomach when I’m upgrading my life (again)?

(Isn’t it interesting that I wrote “sick to my stomach”? After telling our nanny of this upcoming life shift yesterday, I woke up today with unexplained stomach pain. The thought of telling her was “eating away at me”. Not a coincidence. But that’s a big detour into somatics and German New Medicine that’s not the point of this article, so I’ll get back on track…)

I’m feeling concurrent excitement and terror. That’s how I know I’m doing the right thing. But it doesn’t make it any easier, does it?

On my social media pages (FB | IG), I’ll be sharing the socially celebrated aspects of this upgrade. Here on My Mama Summer, you’ll get the full behind-the-scenes scoop of what it really takes to plunge into the messy unknown—doubt, fear, tears and all.

We’re about to move cities. Again.

The last time we did that, it created some trauma I haven’t quite got over.

When we left Australia for Mexico, we had an 11-month-old baby and were leaving our family behind while the world was an absolute clown show.

Everyone dealt with our decision in different ways. In the only way they knew, with the skills they had. Some people cope with change better than others.

But what were we to do? We did an audit of our lives, realised we weren’t on track and came to the sobering conclusion we had to let others down to grow.

That was hard. And I’m reliving that again right now.

We have amazing friends close by. They want to live in community with us.

We have a nanny who is an integral member of our family. She’s been our daughter’s second mum since she was 11 months old.

We’ve outgrown the town we’re living in.

And yet, we have to leave these people behind to go after the life we desire.

One of the hardest parts of life is closing doors so you can open new ones.

Disappointment is my Achilles heel.

It’s enticing for me to refuse growth so I don’t disappoint anyone. I want to keep everyone happy. I know that’s impossible, but it’s a hill I’ve built my life upon. What does stunting myself achieve? Where does that get me? Will that really appease others more than watching me soar?

I want to feel loved.

I don’t want people to feel hurt.

I also don’t want to feel shamed for my choices.

I’ve been so willing to sacrifice my dreams at the feet of others in a misguided attempt to avoid disappointing them.

I always feel like I need to squash my enthusiasm for making my life more interesting, exciting, and aligned, to make space for other people feeling the opposite.

“You’re leaving? How dare you. But what about the future we had planned?”

Part of me feels like if I dampen my joy, it’ll make me less of a monster.

But I’m the one leading this shift. I want more out of life. I can’t keep scratching my nails down the edge of this cage. If that makes me a monster, so be it.

Since we decided to move, I’ve felt paralysed many times. It’s my well-worn freeze response kicking in.

Yesterday, I had tens of messages to respond to, friends I still haven’t told, a daughter to send off to kinder for her first day, a landlord to speak with, and a business to grow. And it squashed me into pieces.

I felt like an incompetent buffoon who couldn’t get their shit together. So I just froze and didn’t do any of it. And then I asked Brendan to help me—another uncomfortable reality. Can you relate?

I keep asking myself the question, “Why does disappointment accompany growth?”

I want to think my way out of having to tell people I love that I’m leaving them behind. But I have to feel it instead.

My people-pleasing, caring, and empathetic ways can be beneficial at times, but they quite often result in me feeling like I can’t be myself.

I “know” my needs are important. I am important. Yet, I habitually prioritise other people’s needs until I’m a worn-out husk of a woman complaining I’m tired, invisible, and lonely.

In the past, I’ve gone to insane lengths to avoid disappointing others, but I’m ready for that to stop.

I can’t prevent others from feeling disappointment—their emotions aren’t mine to control.

I can’t squash my dreams because then I’m deciding their pleasure is more important than my pain.

Can I grow without disappointing others? I don’t think so.

I’m a human. It’s impossible to avoid ever making a mistake or disappointing others.

A love note to myself:

I will make mistakes. It’s normal and OK to make mistakes. It does not make me bad, unworthy or unloveable.

My non-people-pleaser husband tells me to focus on making my life the most beautiful I can.

And in my work as a business mentor, I’d tell my clients the same.

Making big life decisions—like starting a business or moving cities isn’t easy.

The reality is, that reaching for the new means shedding the old. And most humans find that terrifying.

Worrying about “disappointing others” is the wrong place for me to focus.

In this article, Kate O’Brien tells me I CAN move with kindness and empathy towards others while still making the right choices for myself. And, ultimately, it is the responsibility of the person with the challenging feelings to find ways to cope and regulate their own experience.

I’m gonna roll with that.

It’s time to keep stretching myself into an entirely new identity. Don’t worry, I’ll take you along with me.

With love,

Aimee

x